Underage Students Drinking Four Loko, FDA Cracks Down

Parents’ worst fears are now manifesting themselves in the form of fruity, colorful, alcoholic energy drinks. (all quotes from CNN.com; article link at bottom)

The 23.5-ounce drink is 6-12% alcohol by volume (depending on the state) and contains 156mg of caffeine, the equivalent of a strong cup of coffee (or “3 cups” according to the news), but less than a No-Doz caffeine pill (200mg per pill).

Last month, nine underage Central Washington University students had to be hospitalized after they were sickened at an off-campus party by the caffeinated malt liquor “Four Loko.” In order to prevent future off-campus incidents, University President James Gaudino made the decision to ban alcoholic energy drinks on-campus. Said Gaudino, “We need to make sure we’re sending a strong message to students about the dangers of alcoholic energy drinks.”

This rare, horrific, and extremely rare incident of underage college students consuming alcoholic beverages irresponsibly is precisely the reason the FDA is feeling pressured to crack down on the business practice of making a product containing alcohol and caffeine, two substances that otherwise could never be combined by underage college students; the obvious exception being child prodigies earning their PhDs in chemistry at the age of 20.

Experts fear this phenomenon of alcoholic drink consumption by college students could become as widespread as their love for delicious grande Starbucks’ Cappuccinos. What’d you mean grande is the medium size? Screw that, gimme the large. Venti? Fine, whatever! Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee!!

As always, the media’s coverage of these events involving underage consumption of adult beverages has been fast, accurate, relevant, and hasn’t missed any major points regarding underage alcohol consumption whatsoever. After opening one of the aforementioned Four Loko cans and, knowing that children comprise a large percentage of CNN’s viewing audience, debating on-air whether or not to take a sip, CNN Newsroom Anchor Tony Harris asked, “how concerned should we be as parents about this drink sweeping college campuses where our kids are supposed to be learning?!”

Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen informed both of CNN’s viewers that a 24-ounce can of Four Loko containing 12% alcohol by volume (6% in some states) provides the alcoholic equivalent of a 6-pack of beer or a tenth of a 1.75L bottle of vodka; recall that beer, as well as vodka, can be legally consumed only by persons aged 21 and up, thus making them safe from consumption by underage college students.

To get an even more in-depth analysis of the story, CNN took to the streets and interviewed two female college students, both of whom felt the repercussions that inevitably result when a few unruly, underage students fail to remember why they went to college and joined a fraternity in the first place.

Said one of the female students who happened to be walking by the party in question and definitely wasn’t participating, “people were so drunk they didn’t know what to do.”

The other admitted that, “it scares me; honestly it scares me to go out anywhere. I mean, like, if they drug you, you don’t know what’s gonna happen.”

Her words echoed through the crisp autumn breeze as she tossed away her cigarette and sipped on her latté.

After the FDA concluded that such alcoholic energy drinks are a “public health concern” and can no longer stay on the market in their current form, Four Loko announced they’d be removing the caffeine from their beverage, and as an act of good faith, placing their drinks in the refrigerators farthest away from the No-Doz tablets.

Four Loko is also going to look into possible errors in their spell-checking software after protests from the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) and the Latino-Americans & Mexicans Establishment (LAME) demanded they recall every single can and use a sharpie to change the ‘k’ in “Loko” to a ‘c’ in order to avoid being so deliberately offensive.

In other news, the number of people hospitalized for over-dosing on marijuana over the last 65,000 years remains at zero.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/US/10/25/washington.students.overdose/index.html