America goes PINK!!

Pink never used to be that big of a deal. Sure, it got some attention amongst the newborn community given that it’s always been one of the three most common blanket colors, but unlike blue and gray, pink was destined for a greater purpose- one far detached from the frivolity and triteness of the maternity ward.

The doling out of months for specific causes began in 1976 when the shortest month of the year was dedicated to the history of black people, then later, African-Americans (effectively excluding blacks). Since then, the use of months as a marketing tool has proven effective beyond measure for a number of different causes, each receiving the amount of attention commensurate to its social value (measured similarly to quarterback rating, only with more emphasis on completion percentage and interceptions).

With the exception of a government program in Tuskegee, Alabama back in the 30s that attempted to spread syphilis awareness, the idea of dedicating months to diseases had yet to reach fruition. In the early 90s, three little letters would change everything: Human Immunodeficiency Syndrome (i.e., the AIDS).

The first attempt by HIV to break through the glass ceiling was marred by a severely flawed marketing strategy. The original HIV mascot, "Rhesus Ron," served merely to invite death threats from PETA and inflame debates over evolution versus creationism. Criticism from MAAD, the Monkey Alliance Against Defamation, further fueled the outrage. As a result of the angry primates of MAAD and psychotic ones at PETA, it appeared as if HIV might never be embraced by the public. At one point, AIDS groups thought Magic Johnson might be able to help, but his infection from that [ahem] blood transfusion was decades ago and he looks nothing like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia- someone's lying...

Much like the 9/11 lapel pin that identifies true patriots, the pro-HIV groups needed a symbol that could serve as its springboard into the public’s hearts and wallets. Ideally, it, too, would fit on a person’s chest, require minimal physical effort, and become an easily identifiable icon of caring about people you secretly hope you’ll never come into contact with: the red ribbon was born.

Make no mistake- the pink ribbon’s history is of similar age, it just took longer to get its big break. Back in the 90s, people weren’t ready to talk about breasts, and they certainly weren’t ready to see one during a Super Bowl halftime show. Sure, they may be responsible for providing newborns with nutrition and the stimulus to put men in the mood for the act of fertility that leads to said baby, but outside of Europe, South America, Central America, Asia, Africa, Australia, Antarctica, Mexico, Canada, and Greenland, the subject of breasts, even in terms of their preservation, remained strictly verboten.

Oddly enough, in spite of the Obama administration's insistence that the government is best equipped to run private industry, corporate sponsorship allowed the pink ribbon movement to overcome the B-word stigma and reach pinnacle status amongst charities, putting the likes of Jerry's Kids and Oprah's Angel Network in their respective places. "Everyone gets a car?" Pfft, screw that- “Everyone gets a mammogram!”

Pink’s monumental success has inspired a bevy of new cause-related marketing campaigns, not all of which possess the same genius as the pink ribbon. Rumor has it, the Peanut Allergy Awareness Organization created a prototype action-figure featuring Mr. Peanut with a bullet hole through his monocle; kids loved it, parents didn't.

Unfortunately it’s not all fun and games- the American Dermatology Association’s attempt to release an ADA bracelet was quickly stifled by the commis at the American Dental Association. The American Dairy Association dropped their concern after hearing that the Soy Milk Industry teamed up with Chik-Fil-A to join in on their bashing of all things bovine.

As the tide of pink coats the orange of Halloween like a bottle of Pepto Bismol, breast-enthusiasts look to the future, praying their cause’s popularity won’t go the way of the AIDS ribbon or Kwanzaa. But with corporate sponsors like KFC dedicated to the growth of breasts in both men and women, and their new marketing slogan “if you can, save a can” set to hit bumper stickers by 2014, it’s unlikely breasts will disappear from the public eye for years to come. But hopefully all that pink crap the NFL players wear will.