Terrorist Fails to Detonate Device on Christmas Day Flight to Detroit

On Christmas Day, a holiday revered by the whole world, 23-year-old Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, or Tab as his friends call him, attempted to blow up Northwest Airlines flight on its final approach to Detroit, the #1 target of terrorists attempting to get mugged while committing acts of terror. The Airbus 330 was carrying 278 passengers, 277 of whom did NOT try to blow it up.

After Tab ignited a small explosive device while aboard the plane, witnesses heard a loud pop. Passenger Jasper Shuringa noticed a small object between Tab's legs, and next to it, Tab was holding a burning object. Unafraid of the ACLU's stance on terrorists' rights, Shuringa leapt over other passengers, extinguished the fire from the object and threw it away. Reports are unclear, but the hope is that Shuringa then punched Tab in the face 30-40 times.

Tab suffered severe 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his thighs and is reported to have become a lobbyist for healthcare reform so that he won't have to pay his current medical bill. Shuringa's hands were also burned, but hopefully not to the extent that he wasn't able to punch Tab the aforementioned 30-40 times in the face (groinal area also acceptable).

Based on nothing, an official familiar with the investigation told reporters that the initial impression was that Tab had no formal connections to any organized terrorist groups, and that any assumption about people named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab who try to blow up airplanes is racist, a violation of human rights, and will result in a thorough investigation by the ACLU.

But then Tab had to go and ruin all that by claiming extremist ties to Al-Qaeda, and that they furnished him with the device in Yemen with instructions on how and when to use it. Fortunately for the plane's passengers, the instructions were from IKEA.

On his way from Yemen, Tab travelled through Amsterdam. The Netherlands' national coordinator for counterterrorism told CNN that Tab went through "normal security procedures" that were "well-performed." Dutch officials say they did ask Tab if he was a terrorist, the extent of interrogation that is allowed by the Anti-Racial Profiling branch of the ACLU for people of Middle-eastern descent with "Abdul" in their name.

No other suspicious materials were found on the plane, and Tab, who was flying 5000 miles from Holland to Detroit, had only carry-on luggage. That's right- a man named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is in a US database for suspected ties to terrorists, flew from Yemen to Holland to Detroit with only a carry-on bag, on Christmas Day.

President Obama, vacationing in Hawaii, was briefed on the incident and through White House spokesman Bill Burton said that "all appropriate measures will be taken to increase security for air travel," i.e., TSA screeners will now be requiring air travelers to remove pants as well as shoes, the exception being anyone praying on a mat in the terminal or wearing a turban, as per ACLU instructions.

A TSA official told CNN that there will be no changes in screening requirements, and no change in the number of carry-on bags allowed. There will, however, be a limit to one thigh-strapped explosive per person suspected of terrorist ties.

Perhaps most troubling, the Office of Intelligence and Analysis released a note earlier this week stating that FBI Officials "currently have no specific credible intelligence indicating plans by al Qaeda or other terrorist groups to conduct attacks in the US during the 2009 holiday season." The ACLU responded by citing the effectiveness of their war on the surveillance and wire-tapping of suspected terrorists.